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by Elani
Summary: "Pansy you are not my best friend. You are not special. You are just another Slytherin girl. Please Pansy...just stop fighting it." Slighty A/U Draco/Pansy.


Disclaimer – Any characters or plotlines you recognise are obviously not mine and belong to JK Rowling. I am making absolutely no profit from this work.

I've tried to keep to the plot and timeline of the books as much as possible within this story but I think to fit with what I wanted parts may be slightly AU. Kind of a re-working of an old fic of mine, I Will Go Down With You. I recently starting reading fanfiction again after a long absence and realised just how much I really love the Draco/Pansy pairing so I found I just had to write something.

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Every good story starts with a kiss. A toe-curling, knee-trembling and life changing kiss.

This one is no exception.

* * *

><p>Narcissa Malfoy always threw the most lavish garden parties. There was no expense spared, from the exquisite decorations to the sumptuous array of food. Servers clad all in white carrying overflowing trays of canapés and cocktails expertly weaved their way in and out of the couches, tables, ice sculptures and guests. The gardens of Malfoy Manor were alive with the sounds of merriment, the chinking of glasses, and the tinkling of laughter while the sun blazed down from overhead. It never rained when Narcissa had a garden party and after attending so many of them over the years I had become certain that she could enchant the sun to shine.<p>

I sat next to Mother, fanning myself idly in the shade of a large parasol. Mother was deep in discussion with Ms Zabini, both of them making snide remarks about the other guest's choice of attire. I was tired of their conversation and hot and uncomfortable in my flowery dress robes. Mother had picked them-of course-and as usual they were a bit too, pink, for my taste. Mother and I had a great many arguments over my wardrobe and as I'm sure you can tell I lost most of them. I would much rather dress myself in head to toe black but she had other ideas on what colour it was proper for a "little girl" to wear.

I shifted in my chair and sighed, earning myself a sharp glare from Mother. I rolled my eyes, turning my head away from her and towards the outskirts of the Malfoy Manor maze to hide my expression. I jumped in my seat, startled by the shadowy figure lurking under one of the trees lining the entrance. I shook my head and smiled at my foolishness as I squinted towards the figure.

I smiled slowly as I recognised the figure. It was Draco. He beckoned me over with one finger and the bright summer's day made his simple gesture, half hidden in the shade of the tree, seem out of place and ominous.

I should have known right then that something was terribly wrong.

"Excuse me" I muttered to Mother and Mrs Zabini. Mother shot me a glare as I stood but I ignored her. I would pay for my impolite behaviour later. I hurried towards Draco and as I halved the distance between us he turned on his heel and disappeared within the maze. Sighing I followed him. Everything had to be so mysterious with him. As I stepped between the trees lining the entrance I saw Draco's black robes whip around the first corner up ahead, almost as if he'd deliberately timed it to happen. Knowing him he probably had. We played the same game for the next couple of forks in the maze, as I reached where Draco had been previously he was just ahead of me, whipping around the next turn. I was beginning to think about stopping in the middle of the path and sulking until he came to find me when I turned the corner and nearly walked straight into him. He was leaning nonchalantly against the hedge, looking completely calm and composed, in complete contrast to me, who was red-faced and irritated.

"Very cloak and wand" I said drily.

He smirked. "Enjoying the party?"

"You could say that. Where have you been all day?"

He shifted then and lost his assured demeanour. "Nowhere…with my Father. Malfoy business" he mumbled.

I nodded. "Nothing important then," I teased lightly .He glared at me, his next words cutting and cruel. "I see your Mother is still dressing you Parkinson. Most of us stopped needing our parents to choose our clothes when we were five."

I crossed my arms and bit the inside of my mouth to stop myself from crying. I'd hit a nerve with Draco and so he'd lashed out at me. I hated the fact my Mother chose my clothes and he knew it. He also knew it was the best way to get at me. Draco sighed and pushed away from the hedge so he was standing directly opposite me. "Parkinson it was a joke. Lighten up or I'll begin to regret rescuing you from the boredom of propriety."

"Fine," I conceded, though not completely mollified, "So why did you rescue me then? It's not like you to miss an opportunity to be fussed over by the masses."

He turned round and began to stroll along the pathway. I fell easily into step next to him as he replied, "I wasn't really in the mood and you looked like you weren't either so…I thought you'd prefer to spend the time with me."

"How very modest of you."

"It's my most shining quality." I snorted my reply to that and he pretended to look outraged.

"Parkinson how unladylike. If only your Mother knew! I'm in two minds whether to tell her of your improper conduct or not."

"I'm sure someone with a mind as great as yours will come to the right decision."

"Well when you put it like that…"

"With an ego to match I see."

He whirled round to face me then and I stopped dead. In the space of a moment I could feel something had changed between us and I couldn't work out why. Draco started right at me and I couldn't read his expression. I was never at a loss reading Draco's expressions but this one was alien to me. It was a mixture of anger and pain and Draco seemed desperate all of a sudden, but for what I didn't know. For the very first time I found myself truly afraid and it was of my best friend. The very air I was breathing suddenly felt oppressive and I stepped back from him. He caught my wrist as if to stop me from running and I froze, unable to break the contact.

"The entrance is just round that corner," he said quietly, as if that explained the sudden shift of his demeanour. His gaze drifted over my shoulder and it was so intense I almost turned round to see what he was staring at. Finally he looked back at me.

"Pansy…"

And then he kissed me.

I should have known when he called me Pansy that there was something seriously wrong with this situation. At the time though, and for years afterward, it never registered with me that the use of my first name, something Draco never did, would be a precursor for what was to come. The kiss wasn't what I imagined Draco would kiss like at all. I always thought his kisses would be passionate and dangerous but it was soft and gentle and it made my heart flutter. When his lips left mine I gave an involuntary moan and reached for him again. His grip on my wrist loosened then fell away. As I opened my eyes he had already whirled away from me around the corner. It took a few moments for my legs to work again and for me to regain the mental capacity to follow him. The pathway was empty though. I gritted my teeth. Trust Draco Malfoy to turn our first kiss into some kind of covert operation.

I wandered back down the pathway, my fingers brushing against my lips as if to check for a memento of his kiss there. I suppose it was inevitable really, that one day Draco and I would get together and that the lines of our close friendship would blur into something more. The signs had always pointed towards this ending, from the way our parents had pushed us together when we were children to the way we had gravitated towards each other at Hogwarts, leading our own groups of friends but always working together.

I smiled to myself, a pleasant heat building in my chest. I liked Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy liked me. I practically skipped back down the path-which was definitely unusual because Slytherins never skipped.

I couldn't wait for school to start again.

* * *

><p>I was positively bouncing with excitement as I stood on platform nine and three quarters. I strained over the heads of the crowd, trying to catch a glimpse of that familiar silver hair. It had been a week since I had last seen him, a week since he had kissed me and altered our friendship for good. I had had plenty of time to daydream about what would happen now. How we would rule our house together, how he would hold my hand and we would walk proudly down the halls of Hogwarts. How everything seemed brighter if I had Draco Malfoy by my side.<p>

I couldn't wait to kiss Mother and Father goodbye and practically dived headfirst onto the train. I wandered through the carriages until I spotted my classmates in one of the compartments. Zabini did not look impressed at being sandwiched in-between Crabbe and Goyle. I imagine it was not a pleasant place to be. I slid open the door and stuck my head in, holding back my laughter at the expression on Blaise's face.

"Has anyone seen Draco?" I asked casually.

Daphne and Tracey smirked at me. "No," Daphne drawled, "Have you lost him?" They both sniggered as if they knew something I didn't. I glared at them.

"Anyone else? I'm on my way to the Prefect carriage."

"I…I think he already went there." Crabbe offered helpfully.

"Thanks. See you all at the feast."

I removed my head from the compartment and carried on towards the Prefect carriage. I had to practically force myself not to skip I was that ecstatic to see him again. It wouldn't do for a Slytherin to be seen skipping down the aisle, even if she had been kissed by Draco Malfoy a week earlier. As I pulled open the door to the carriage the sudden realisation that I had no idea what to say to him, how to act hit me. I'd been so excited about actually seeing him again that I hadn't thought about what I would do when I did.

Fortunately Draco had solved that little problem for me.

He was sat so close to Lari Stewart, the sixth year Slytherin Prefect, he might as well have been sharing her chair. She was whispering conspiratorially in his ear while he was smirking at her words.

They were holding hands.

The room fell uncomfortably silent as I came into view although the pair of them carried on as if nothing was amiss. People from the other houses had always thought Draco and I were some kind of item and though officially we weren't, although I thought last week might have changed that, neither of us had ever taken any action to alter that perception.

Obviously Draco had now decided to very publicly change that opinion of our relationship. The sting of humiliation was so strong I wanted to run from the room but I didn't. From somewhere inside I found the strength to walk over to the other Slytherin prefects and stand with them. I could feel the stares of everyone in the room on my back as a studiously avoided looking at Draco and Lari's blatant flirting. Whispered pockets of conversation broke out until eventually the usual noise and clamour overtook the carriage.

I was devastated inside. When Elisha, the seventh year Prefect, asked me how my summer had been I longed to scream that last week Draco has kissed me. I didn't understand what was happening, why opening that carriage door seemed to have irrevocably changed everything.

I knew Draco was behind me when the two Prefects in front of me stopped talking in unison and stared wide-eyed over my shoulders.

"Parkinson." He greeted me normally, as if nothing unusual whatsoever had happened between us or with Lari. I almost slapped him.

"Draco." I turned slowly to face him and scanned the compartment behind him. Lari was nowhere to be seen.

"How was your summer?" My hand jerked and I balled them both into fists. I finally looked up at him but it was as if he didn't see me. His gaze lighted anywhere but on me.

"I think you know," I replied. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the two Prefects edging away from us. Draco still didn't look directly at me even when we were alone. He stared at a spot on the wall just to the left of me as if it could reveal the secret to everlasting life.

"I don't believe I do."

I couldn't stand it. I stepped right in front of him but he still didn't look at me. "Draco I…I don't understand. Look can we talk somewhere else? Last week…"

I tailed off, searching his gaze for something, for anything. He looked uncomfortable under my scrutiny and I knew there was something more to this because he never looked uncomfortable. Draco was always in control of the situation, especially when it came to me.

"Parkinson stop being so dramatic. What are you talking about? Last week what?"

There was a challenge in his tone and his mouth had curved into a sneer. He was daring me to say it out loud, whether to ridicule me or not I didn't know.

"Draco you…" but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to embarrass myself by voicing it out loud. It seemed more embarrassing to have to remind him that last week he had kissed me than it had been to see him and Lari. I looked at the floor, "Nothing."

"I knew you'd come round Parkinson."

* * *

><p>Weeks went by and nothing changed. Except that Draco Malfoy was no longer my best friend and I had no idea why.<p>

What made it even more confusing was the fact that in every other way he was acting completely normally towards me. Normally meaning the way he treated everyone else, with scorn and indifference. He had never treated me like that but suddenly I found myself on the receiving end of his trademark sneers and taunts. I couldn't even confront him because he was very careful to never be caught alone with me. He knew I wouldn't dare embarrass myself by making a scene in front of the other Slytherins.

I was a confused tangle of emotions and I couldn't keep them in. Why had he made such a performance out of one kiss, only to treat me as he'd treat any old witch the next week? He'd made me special only to rip the title away from before I'd even fully begun to appreciate it. I was brash towards him one minute, then friendly the next. I began to resent him. I hated his stupid sneering laugh and the way one lock of his silvery hair always fell across his forehead. At one time my hand had itched to brush it away. Now I just wanted to rip it out.

My anger came to a head one night in the common room.

I'd been on Prefect duties till late and when I arrived back Draco was lounging on his usual couch, Daphne and Tracey perched either side of him. Daphne and Tracey were giggling while he smirked in-between them. It was a complete reversal of roles. I used to be the one sat next to Draco, smirking and laughing.

The laughter stopped as I reached them and Daphne eyed me warily.

"Don't stop on my account," I said icily, "It sounded like a really amusing joke you were laughing at."

Tracey couldn't hold in another giggle then, and I knew for sure they had been talking about me, laughing at me. I could feel hot, stinging tears building and I didn't dare blink, knowing that if I did they would leak from under my eyelids. I glared at all three of them.

"How very Slytherin of you all," I said through gritted teeth, "As if we don't have enough to deal with without turning on each other."

Draco rolled his eyes at me. "Parkinson I've told you before about this dramatic streak you have. We were just laughing about something that happened in The Great Hall earlier. You weren't there so you wouldn't understand."

I snapped. "No Draco, what I don't understand is this new personality you've suddenly developed. The personality that can't seem to stand being friends with me anymore. The personality in which I'm treated like some kind of second class, second rate witch you'd sooner clean the dirt from your shoes than spend time with. I can't even stand to be in the same room as you anymore. I can't stand you. I want to punch your pointed face until I wipe that stupid sneer off it."

Daphne and Tracey gaped at me. Draco's expression was unreadable. He stood up slowly and I felt a frisson of fear shoot through me. It was the second time in my life I was afraid of my so-called best friend.

"Go" he barked at Daphne and Tracey. They didn't need telling twice. I stared across the space between us, determined not to back down.

"Don't you ever take that tone with me again, Parkinson, "he spat, "I could ruin you without a second thought."

I gazed at him, tears starting to leak unbidden from my eyes. "I don't understand why your being like this," I whispered. "You're my best friend. You kissed me. Draco why are you treating me like dragon shit?"

He looked at me then, for the first time in weeks and with the common room empty except for us, the anger drained from his face and he just looked tired.

"Pansy you are not my best friend. You are not special. You are just another Slytherin girl. Please Pansy…just stop fighting it."

* * *

><p>And so I did. Throughout the whole of my fifth year at Hogwarts, and most of my sixth I did exactly as Draco had asked of me. No longer did I complain of his indifferent treatment of me. I didn't complain when just before Christmas in fifth year I caught him kissing Tracey in the dungeons. I didn't complain when he used his Prefect rounds as cover to sneak an assortment of the female Slytherin population into empty classrooms after curfew and I didn't complain when I was the target of one of his cutting taunts.<p>

Equally though I didn't complain when he chose to sit close to me in the common room, arm slung over the back of the couch behind me. I didn't complain when he smirked and winked conspiratorially with me after I insulted Granger's dubious fashion sense and I didn't complain when in sixth year on the way to Hogwarts he rested his head in my lap without invitation. I was like any other Slytherin female, taking what I could from Draco Malfoy when he was willing to give it to me.

I was ashamed of myself. I hated him for what he turned me into and I hated myself for allowing him to do it. All because of one kiss and one hope that a treasured friendship could stand the test of time and become more.

I tried to forget that day in the maze, I really did but it was etched into my memory. There had been so much feeling in those few minutes that it still burnt deep inside me, never to go out.

I forced myself to think of Draco as a typical, rich pure-blood wizard; leaving a trail of devastated witches in his wake but for every time Draco's actions hurt me he did something that stopped me from hating him completely. He'd call me stupid then ten minutes later his fingers would brush mine almost imperceptibly. I'd catch him alone with his latest girl and then he'd throw his arm casually around my shoulders when we were strolling around the lake with our fellow group of Slytherins.

But he never saw me. I wasn't special. I was just another girl, another conquest.

One night in sixth year I found him alone in the common room, gazing desolately into the glowing embers of the fire. He'd allowed me to hold him then, and I'd savoured the moment as I tried to alleviate the burden he wouldn't share. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and I held him tightly, murmuring soothing words against his hair. I didn't complain when he roughly pushed me away and stood up, striding out of the room and leaving me behind.

Then one night he had caught me indulging in some very heavy petting with Nott. He'd stopped dead, just staring at us both. I couldn't read his face then either.

"A little privacy Malfoy," Nott had said smoothly from above me.

Draco's hadn't replied but stormed through the room towards the dorms. Nott's hands went back to doing something extremely distracting and I barely heard the small explosion from the corridor. Nott's lips claimed my own again and for a few hours I had forgotten Draco Malfoy even existed.

* * *

><p>I was in the library at the beginning of that catastrophic night in sixth year, the night that had changed the lives of so many people. Draco had come barging in, demanding that I returned to the common room immediately and then had proceeded to drag me all the way there anyway because I wasn't moving fast enough for his liking. As he dragged me along, pushing other students roughly out of our way, his expression had changed rapidly from gleeful to terrified to nervous. He was on edge and it unnerved me. Draco's emotions were hardly ever that out of check. It meant something serious was happening.<p>

He'd pushed me roughly through the entrance and practically thrown me down onto a chair. The common room was empty and he paced across the fireplace, as if he was too wound up to stay still.

"Parkinson something's going to happen tonight. I need you to stay here. No matter what you hear I need you to stay in this room. Do not leave it no matter what anyone says. Do you understand me? Do not leave this room for anyone or anything."

He whirled to face me. I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. I was suddenly terrified.

"Draco what's going to happen? What are you going to do?"

"What I have to" he replied quietly, "Go to your dorm Parkinson."

He'd turned away from me then and I stood slowly. I stepped towards him; my arm outstretched, then changed my mind and fled to my room. I slammed the door behind me, breathing heavily as I sank against the thick wood. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tangled my hands in my hair. I felt this crippling fear in my stomach for Draco but I also felt this surge of hatred towards him. How dare he do this to me again. How dare he come rushing to make sure I'm safe, acting as if I was special, when I knew he cared no more for me than for the next Slytherin girl. I balled my hands into fists and with a cry of rage whirled round and punched the door. I carried on punching it until I could feel a pain as strong as the one inside, until rivers of blood ran down my hands and splashed onto the stone floor below. Then I sank into the pool of my own blood, barely aware that sound of racking sobs came from me.

But that pain wasn't enough. I dragged myself across the floor to my dressing table, leaving a trail of blood in my wake and pulled myself up onto unsteady legs. With one sweep of my arm I sent the various expensive bottles of beauty creams and schools books piled there crashing to the floor. Then I saw it. My jewellery box. My Christmas present from when we had been in our fourth year. The year he had taken me to the Yule Ball. The last year we had truly been friends. I picked it up, tracing the intricately carved design. My blood stained the light wood scarlet. Then I hurled it across the room so it smashed against the wall and landed broken on the stone floor.

"Pansy?"

Draco stood in the doorway, gazing open mouthed at me. "What have you done to yourself?"

"Don't pretend you care Malfoy," I spat at him, "You only care that I've broken your expensive gift. How dare anyone break something that was given to them by the great Draco Malfoy."

"Don't be stupid Pansy that can be fixed. I-"

"Can you fix me so easily Draco?" I shouted at him. He flinched and looked away from me. "Because I'm just as broken as that stupid jewellery box. So can the illustrious Draco Malfoy fix me?"

He turned away and began to shut the door. "You need to heal your arms. I'm leaving. You're in no fit state for polite conversation Parkinson."

"And whose fault is that?" I said to his retreating back. He stopped dead in the doorway.

"Mine," he whispered. It was so quiet I barely heard him. I froze. His shoulders sagged and even from the back I could see him crumple inwards.

"It's my fault Pansy. I had to."

"You had to?" I repeated, "You had to? You have completely destroyed me. There is nothing left. I'm empty inside and you say you had to? That's not good enough Draco. I need to know why. What sick, perverted, egotistical game were you playing with me? Go on Draco. I'm just dying to hear your excuses."

"I love you."

I wasn't sure if I'd heard him right. He couldn't have said what I thought he had. "Excuse me?"

"I love you Pansy Parkinson. I couldn't…do…what I have to do tonight without knowing you were safe. I had to warn you."

He began to shut the door.

"Wait," I begged, "I don't understand. You…no. I'm no one to you. Just another girl." Another nasty thought began to creep into my head. "Your lying aren't you? What are you trying to do to me Malfoy? What have I done to deserve this? Tell me why?"

He whirled round then, slamming the door shut so violently it shook.

"Pansy Parkinson I am madly in love with you. I've loved you since fourth year. You are the only person in this school who means anything to me and I will not let you get hurt because of me. It killed me to treat you like I did but I had to. They had to believe that you were just anyone, that you were just another girl as you put it. They couldn't know that you were special, that you were the girl."

I gaped at him across the room and he began to walk tentatively towards me.

"You need to heal your hands Pansy," he said softly, "Merlin look what you've done to yourself."

I shook my head then, clearing my thoughts. He was in front of me now, reaching for my hand. I snatched it away from him and the sudden movement made me feel a little woozy. I wobbled on my unsteady legs and he moved to steady me. I jumped back, colliding with the dressing table behind me with a thud. I leant on it heavily.

"Pansy," he said and I was viciously happy to hear the choke in his voice.

"Don't think that because you've suddenly decided to reveal your innermost feelings to me I'm just going to fall into your arms Malfoy. You don't seem to realise just how much damage what you've done to protect me has inflicted. I hate you Malfoy."

Even I was shocked to realise that at that very moment I meant it. He recoiled from me and I felt a vicious thrill at the pain that flashed in his eyes.

"Is that how you imagined it?" I continued, "That you'd come rushing in and announce your love for me and then we'd live happily ever after? Just like a fairy tale. Well this isn't a fairy tale Malfoy and Slytherins don't have happy endings."

He looked away from me. "Better this than you get hurt because of me."

"Who was going to hurt me? Your ego is too big for you Malfoy. You think you're that important everyone who knows you is in danger? Ridiculous."

He sighed, staring into the distance. "I knew when he came back that it wouldn't be long before I was called into his service. I was happy to serve him but I knew that whatever way this war went to care for someone would be a weakness that could be exploited and I was right. I've seen it Pansy. So I had to convince everyone, even the Slytherins that you meant nothing to me so you could never be used that way. I couldn't stand it if you had been hurt because of what I've had to be." He gave me a wry smile, "But I couldn't do it without being close to you at least once. So I kissed you that day in the maze. It was selfish of me I know but I'm a Malfoy Pansy and Malfoys have always been selfish."

He gave a small smirk at his comment then looked serious once more. "I know I made it worse for you Pansy but trust me it was just as bad for me. You wouldn't believe how many times I've wanted to kiss you since."

"You have no idea how bad this was for me. This whole thing was selfish Malfoy," I whispered, "You didn't do it to protect me. You did it to protect yourself."

He began to shake his head, gazing at me desperately, imploring me to believe him, to listen. I wasn't sure I wanted to listen. I wasn't sure I had anything left inside that could hear him.

"Pansy…" he began but he broke off, wincing as he grabbed hold of his arm and immediately started to back away towards the door. "Pansy I have to go. Look when this is over we'll talk. I'll explain it better I promise. I'll make you believe me."

He turned round and I was suddenly so afraid I could barely breathe.

"Draco you are coming back?" I was embarrassed at the tremor in my voice.

"Pansy…"

He crossed the distance between us in a blur and was suddenly kissing me desperately. He crushed me against his body and tangled his hands in my hair. I didn't care that my hands stung as I held him back, kissing him with desperation I didn't even know I felt. He pulled away, resting his forehead against my own, his eyes closed. I gazed up at him, a fire in my chest I'd only felt once before.

"I love you Parkinson," he whispered, "I always will."

"I know," I whispered back, "I…I think underneath all the pain I might love you too Malfoy."

His eyes shot open and he smirked. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist me."

I snorted. "You big-headed…"

He kissed me again, a soft, gentle kiss. "I really have to go Pansy. Heal those hands and then don't leave this room. Promise?"

"Promise"

It wasn't until he left that I realised he hadn't answered my question.

I didn't know if he was coming back.


End file.
